


Assumptions

by adrianna_m_scovill



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Emotional Hurt, Insecurity, Lack of Communication, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-22 15:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22385344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adrianna_m_scovill/pseuds/adrianna_m_scovill
Summary: For a request: Carisi catches Barba with another guy and feels betrayed because he thought they were exclusive - even though they'd never said so.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 105





	Assumptions

“Can I help you?”

Carisi stared at the other man—thirtyish, with dark hair that was wet and hanging onto his forehead, naked except the white towel slung low around his narrow waist—in stunned silence. For several seconds he thought he’d somehow managed to knock on the wrong door, and he’d already taken a half-step backward and opened his mouth to apologize when his brain brought him crashing back to reality.

It wasn’t the wrong door.

He tried to think, floundering for some rational explanation, some reason that didn’t _hurt_ , but his thoughts were a jumbled mess and his stomach burned. The ground felt like it had shifted beneath his feet in the last twenty seconds, and left him reeling.

“I was—looking for Rafael,” he said, forcing the words past his numb lips even though all he wanted to do was turn and flee.

“Oh, he’s still in the shower,” the younger man said, hooking a thumb over his shoulder. He looked Carisi over in a very non-subtle appraisal. “He expecting you?”

Carisi shook his head. No, clearly Barba had not been expecting him, and Carisi suddenly and desperately wanted to leave before Barba saw him standing at the door.

“Want me to take a message?” the man asked. The question was almost funny.

“No, uh—thanks,” Carisi mumbled. “I’ll just—”

“Hey, did I hear the—” Barba stopped in the middle of the living room. He was wearing shorts and had a towel draped around his neck. He was still damp and flushed from his shower. “Sonny,” he said. He composed himself quickly, smoothing the surprise—and was there a flash of guilt? Or was it fear?—from his expression as he started forward again. “What’s going on, is everything okay?”

Barba’s forehead was creased in concern, and Carisi knew he must look like he’d been hit in the face with a shovel. It’s how he felt, and he’d never been able to hide his feelings from Barba.

Carisi held up a hand and shook his head. “Sorry, I—I’ll leave, I didn’t know—”

“Wait,” Barba said. “Sonny, stop, what’s—”

“I can’t do this now.”

Barba looked at the man in the towel and gestured with his head. “Could you give us a—”

“Don’t bother,” Carisi said, turning quickly to make an escape down the hallway. He’d only taken a few steps before Barba caught up to him and grabbed his arm. “Don’t touch me,” Carisi hissed, jerking out of Barba’s grasp.

“You’re pissed at me,” Barba said, holding up his hands. “I get that. But I didn’t know you were coming over—”

“I thought…Never mind, it doesn’t matter what I thought.” Carisi was alarmed to feel tears burning his eyes, and he needed to get away before he broke down. The pain was spiraling in his chest, threatening to consume him.

“I asked you to go to the show with me,” Barba said. There was an edge in his voice, a hardness in the lines of his face, and it didn’t matter to Carisi that he recognized them as defense mechanisms. “You said no.”

“I didn’t realize that meant you’d find the next available guy to fuck,” Carisi said, and Barba recoiled a bit from the venom in his voice. “I can’t make one date—”

“It wasn’t one date, and you know it,” Barba snapped. “You pulled back, how many times was I supposed to ask you before I got the hint—”

“I was _working_! Helping Liv, helping the squad, if anyone should understand that—”

“Fine, _fine_ , you win, okay? I’m sorry you’re upset.”

“Upset? Fuck you,” Carisi said, jabbing a finger toward Barba’s chest without touching him. His voice cracked, and his eyes burned, and for just a moment he saw a hint of pain ripple across Barba’s face before his expression slammed closed. “Fuck you,” Carisi repeated, brushing past Barba and striding down the hallway.

Barba didn’t call after him, and Carisi didn’t look back. He made it all the way to his car before he started to tremble, and he sat with his arms crossed over the steering wheel and his forehead pressed against his wrist, trying to breathe through the fiery pain tearing through his chest.

* * *

Carisi knew he looked terrible when he opened the door at Barba’s knock. He’d cried more than he cared to admit, and he’d zigzagged back and forth between the pain and anger for nearly forty-eight hours.

Forty-eight hours without a word from Barba, and there had been a dozen moments when Carisi had almost broken down and called him. To rail at Barba for betraying him, to cry and beg for another chance, to ask what he’d done wrong, to tell Barba to go to Hell; the reason depended on the moment.

But despite the dark smudges beneath his eyes, and the fact that he’d barely eaten or slept for two days, Carisi had gotten himself under control. He was hurt, but he had to be honest with himself, and honesty included acknowledging that Barba had never once agreed to exclusivity, had never once said that he was making a commitment to Carisi. Carisi had assumed that they were on the same page, feeling the same way, and that assumption had brought him to this pain.

“If you came to tell me I acted like an asshole, you can save your breath,” Carisi said quietly as he and Barba regarded each other.

Barba didn’t look as rough as Carisi, but the signs of distress were there. He simply hid them better.

Carisi took no pleasure from the knowledge that Barba was upset. “I know I…overreacted.”

“I’m sorry,” Barba said. Sincere apologies were difficult for him, but Carisi knew this one was sincere. It didn’t change anything, though. “I wanted to take you, I asked you first—”

“That really doesn’t help,” Carisi said. He turned his back on Barba and walked toward the kitchen, leaving the door open. Barba hesitated before stepping cautiously inside and pushing the door closed. He watched Carisi grab a can of beer from the refrigerator and pop it open. Carisi held it up in invitation and Barba shook his head. “I thought about it, you know? I shouldn’t’ve assumed you felt the same way about me as I did about you.”

“But I do,” Barba said, starting toward him. “Sonny—”

“No,” Carisi cut in. “No, you didn’t, you don’t, because I never would’ve _thought_ of cheating on you.”

Barba stopped, grimacing. “Cheating,” he echoed, barely above a whisper. His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides.

“Maybe that’s unfair,” Carisi allowed, “but I gotta tell you, Raf, that’s what it feels like.” He patted his own chest. “It hurts real fucking bad, you know?”

Barba licked his lips, glancing around the room. He looked like he wanted to run for the door. Carisi took a long swallow of beer. Part of him still wanted to shout and curse, to throw Barba from the apartment. Part of him wanted to throw his arms around the other man and sob into his neck. But he wasn’t going to do either.

Barba took a deep breath, and Carisi could see him gathering his resolve before meeting his eyes. “Can I fix this?” he asked quietly.

Carisi was surprised by the question, and the words brought a fresh stab of pain that momentarily stole his breath. “I don’t know,” he said. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but…I don’t understand, Rafael.” Fresh tears slipped from his tired eyes. “I thought we were good.”

“Sonny,” Barba said, crossing toward him. He reached out but stopped without touching Carisi. His fingers trembled for a few seconds before he dropped his arm back to his side. “I kept asking you, to dinner, to the theater—I’m not blaming you,” he added quickly when Carisi opened his mouth. “I know, you were busy, I get that, but I assumed you weren’t interested in anything more serious, it felt like you were pulling back and I wasn’t about to keep pursuing you if you weren’t interested.”

“We’ve been sleeping together for months. I didn’t seem _interested_? I didn’t seem _invested_ , when I was on my knees I didn’t feel _committed_?”

“Sex.”

“Maybe sex _means something to me_ ,” Carisi said, and they could both hear the raw pain in his voice.

“And maybe I wanted someone interested in _more_ than sex, someone who would go to the goddamn theater with me when I had tickets, someone who would have dinner with my mother—” He snapped his mouth shut.

Carisi waited a few beats, but Barba didn’t continue. “And that guy in the fucking towel, he’s meeting your mother?”

“No,” Barba said, barely audible.

“Then I don’t understand what we’re talking about, you think I didn’t want to do those things? You never gave me a chance. I canceled a few dates and you jumped into bed—into the shower—with some—”

“He was there. You weren’t.”

Carisi closed his leaking eyes and drew a breath through his nose to calm himself. “Fuck you,” he said, but he spoke quietly and without vitriol. He couldn’t summon any anger now when he needed it. He was tired, and hurt.

“I know,” Barba said. “But I can’t chase after people who don’t want me, I can’t beg people to…”

Carisi opened his eyes and saw Barba’s expression twisted in pain. “To what? To love you?” Barba turned his face away, the light glimmering in his eyes. “If we’re going to talk about this, you need to be honest with me.”

“I’m trying,” Barba whispered, and Carisi knew that was true.

“You were angry because I backed out of the date?”

Barba pressed his lips together and shook his head.

“Hurt?”

Barba slid his gaze back to Carisi’s. “Scared,” he breathed.

Carisi hesitated, processing that. “Of what?”

“Of wanting you more than you wanted me,” Barba said, forcing the admission out of himself. He ran a hand over his face. “I’m not making excuses. I fucked this up, I know. I sabotaged the best…” He shook his head. “I’m not making excuses,” he repeated.

“No, I want to know. I need to know what you were thinking.”

“I was thinking if I could replace you then I didn’t really need you.”

Carisi winced. He took another drink. “Okay. And?”

“And? We went to the show. We went back to my place. I fucked him.”

Carisi turned away and swallowed the rest of his beer. He set the can down and grabbed the edge of the counter with both hands, lowering his head. “You showered together.”

“No. He showered first. He wouldn’t have stayed the night, even if you hadn’t shown up.”

“What do you want, Rafael?” Carisi muttered without looking back. “What do you want from me?”

“I want you to forgive me.”

“Fine. I forgive you.”

“I don’t deserve forgiveness.”

“I don’t think I can do this anymore. Not right now.”

“I want you to love me.”

The words hung in the air, and Carisi couldn’t breathe for several seconds. “I did,” he finally managed. “I do.”

“I want…to deserve that.”

Carisi pushed himself off the counter and turned around. “You deserve love, Rafael.”

Barba shook his head, barely keeping his face from crumpling.

“If we’re going to get through this, I need to know that you won’t run to someone else every time I’m not there. I need to know that we’re exclusive. I need to know I can trust you.”

Barba opened his mouth and closed it again. He swallowed hard. “Please give me a chance to prove it to you,” he said. “Please,” he added, and his voice cracked in the middle of the word.

Carisi stepped toward him. “We have to be honest with each other.”

Barba nodded, tears spilling over his cheeks. “I promise.”

Carisi reached out and Barba stepped into his arms, grabbing him in a tight embrace and pressing his face into the curve of Carisi’s shoulder. “I need some time, Raf.”

“I know, I understand.”

“But if you’re willing to stay and talk, we can do that.”

“Yes,” Barba said, and his arms tightened for a moment before loosening.

“Okay, then,” Carisi said, but they stood that way for a long time, unmoving, silent, holding onto each other.


End file.
